May 13, 2008
Vacation....without kids???
|
| OK, so I know all of the newly divorced parent out there struggle when you don't have your kids and they are with your ex. I know I certainly did. I was one of the ones who sat in the hard kitchen floor sobbing when my 1 and 3 year old went off with their Dad. I felt so alone and empty. Well times have changed and a lot of healing has gone on, and now I've actually come to enjoy my time both with and without the kids. You may have noticed I've been absent now for awhile. That is because I just took a glorious 10 day vacation without my kids. I was able to do this because I knew that the kids were safe and sound with their Dad, just like they are normally 3 days a week anyway. There weren't any major adjustments, just a few schedule notices so Dad got the new routine for the days he normally doesn't have them, and off to Italy I went. Now that is not to say I didn't miss them, but I am certain that if I were married, that trip likely would not have happened until we were both of retirement age, because where would the kids go???? So I went, I explored, I recharged. I came back and it seemed my kids had grown at least two inches each, and I was soooo ready to be a Mom again!
|
April 27, 2008
A Positive Spin on Being Divorced
|
| When your smack dab in the middle of a divorce, it may seem like a terrible thing. However, I'm here to tell you, that in time, you may likely look back and think it is the best thing that could have ever happened to you. Now obviously we can't all look back and realize that divorce turned into a career opportunity of writing, coaching, and speaking about divorce and shared custody living like I have. But, you will eventually be able to see how the separation could be a gift in a miriad of other ways. Perhaps you will finally be able to have a purple bedroom, or remodel the kitchen. Maybe it will be as simple as you can take a class or go back to school. Maybe you won't have to have the tv blaring in the background all the time and the silence will allow you to read a really good book, or listen inside of yourself to find your true passions again. Maybe the best gift will be that you will find out that you don't need to look outside for love, and that like the ruby slippers you had it inside all along. Maybe you will just finally be able to get past that sinking feeling of misery, and know that this change had to happen in order for you to get to that ultimate peace and happiness that we all deserve. Just a thought....it may be just the stepping stone you need to find ultimate peace.
|
April 27, 2008
Positive Spin on Being a Divorced Mom
|
So many people act like it is the end of the world to be in a shared custody situation. They just don't see how I do it. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids dearly, but I think in many ways I'm a much better Mom because I DON'T have my kids full time. I get plenty of me time, and when they are with me, I can try to focus my time on them much more. For example, I get to take trips, knowing they are taken care of by their Dad. I can read parenting books without them ever even knowing I"m reading one. I can eat the whole pint of ice cream without hearing a peep of complaint. I can light candles and play whatever music I like, however loud I like. I have usually a built in babysitter when I need one. I can enjoy a Sunday afternoon in bed (with or without company), and not be obligated to do one parenting thing. I can hire a massage therapist to come to my house and give me a massage to relax, without undoing it ten minutes afterward because of sibling rivalry. It is really a beautiful thing, and it all leaves me feeling like my own needs are fulfilled so that I can better relate to my kids. So enjoy it, it really is a gift!
|
April 26, 2008
So where do the kids go to church after divorce?
|
| Obviously life changes. People change. Isn't that why we are now divorced? Because life and people changed. So what do you do if as part of your change you begin to discover a new spiritual path that does not resonate with your ex spouse? When I was married, we agreed to raise our kids as a certain religious affliliation. However, during our marriage I began to question "the church" as being just that a church. He did too. So we stopped going. Of course after the divorce, we both started back on a spiritual path. His turned him back up at where we had agreed to raise our kids. I found something that fit me better. Enter kids. My belief is that you can't force kids to have a particular path. His is that you must instill faith in them, or they won't have a spiritual path. Oh dear. So that has been a bit of a tense discussion between us. In fact, we've had a few UGLY arguments about it. It has taken a long time, but we have finally agreed that he can take them to his church every other weekend, and I can take them to mine. My kids are now old enough that they can decide to stay home. So on my weekend, I make the offer for them to come with me. Sometimes they come sometimes they don't, but I do know that when they come, it's because they geniuniely want to be there and it feeds their soul somehow. I don't really know if they like going to his or not, but even if all they get is that they know it's something they don't want, then that is a good experience too. And, if they happen to find something they like, well, that's okay with me.
|
April 22, 2008
How to cope with shared custody parenting
|
Being a single parent is no easy job. However there are times that I think that being a single parent would be easier than being a shared custody parent. There is so much stress that goes on with being a single parent, but at least you know that it's all on you. When you are in a shared custody, sometimes it's a pain because you do still have to consult and figure out how to operate as a team. This of course is not always the easiest. There can be conflicts about everything. My best advice is for you to realize you absolutely cannot control what goes on in the "other house." If you are interested in joining a telephone "support" group where I will facillitate and do some group coaching for free, please see my page on coaching for more information. http://www.acpublicationsgroup.com/Coaching.php There are so many issues we can discuss. It can be frustrating to realize that you get divorced and still have to have so much contact and even disagreements from the person you were trying to free yourself from. So please join us...
|
April 19, 2008
Falling in love....in the middle of a Divorce
|
| Beware! All of you out there that are freshly divorced, or in the middle of it. Falling in love seems to happen to all of us within about the first 6 months of our separations. Oh, don't get me wrong it is great fun. There is passion like you can't remember. Your stomach is in knots. You can't wait to hear that other person utter your name, or spend the night sharing pillow talk until morning. HOWEVER, it is almost NEVER the real thing. It is your crazy mind's way of filling in the gap. Plugging the hole in the leaking heart. It is bound to self-destruct because once the rose colored glasses unfog you will likely realize that it is exactly what it is. A rebound. Of course you might choose not to see it that way, but it is. So consider yourself warned. It happens to the best of us. We fall in love right in the middle of our divorces, and then after the fun wears off, we're right back where we were, picking up the pieces and mending our hearts.
|
April 16, 2008
Are You Really Going To Let Our Economy Lead to Your Divorce?
|
| I don't know what it's like in your town, but in my town things are closing, and there are for sale signs everywhere. Restaurants I adore are closing. My favorite candle shop just can't keep the doors open. Things are getting tight, and our frivolous items are just being tossed aside. I keep reading though that divorce is on the rise because of the tight times. Money is an issue in just about every marriage, but now just does not seem like the time to let it win. If things are tight and you are having trouble making ends meet, it is bound to cause a strain on your marraige. But what I wonder then, is how on earth do you suppose it is going to be any better supporting two households. You still will be stressed, probably more so, and now you have to try to communicate and parent separately. To me, now seems like the time that we need to hunker down and support each other, and remember how fun it was when we were first dating, and thinking having a picnic was great fun. See if you can find a spark, because I guarantee you if you think finances are tough when you are together, they are only going to get worse when you are apart. Just think before you leap............if it's really just about the money, it's not worth throwing it all away. This too shall pass........and you'll live to tell about it.
|
April 12, 2008
Is it Really Acceptable to be Divorced?
|
| I've been divorced for quite some time now. Yet, to this day I still get thrown off the track by some of the innocent comments people make, that somehow infer that it is a little odd that I haven't remarried. It's as if that somehow some people think I'm not complete. Lately it's been about the fact that I'm traveling solo, or at least without a romantic partner. I'm getting ready to take a wonderful 10 day trip to Italy. I'm traveling with a male companion. He is not a romantic companion, just a friend. Yet, there doesn't seem to be a single person in my life who hasn't asked........are you sure he's not a romantic companion? Are you sure he won't "try" something once you are in Italy? A little vino, a little romantic city? What are you going to do if he crosses the line? I assure them that I'm going to have the time of my life because just once, I"m not going to worry about if my travel companion is having the time of his life. Because if he's not.......well he can just ditch me and meet me at the airport when it's time to go home. And as far as if he's going to make a move on me? Well, I keep saying, that if I really believed that he would alter a friendship after this long, then he's not who I think he is, and if he does.............well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. What I'd really like to them when they ask is, 'Is it bothering you that much that I might really have a wonderful time without a romantic partner or husband?' 'Do you think I'm that incomplete without one?' But I don't..........I just try to imagine that somehow they are living vicariously and wishing they could all take a wonderful trip with someone they don't have to "worry about if they have a good time or not"! Stay tuned.....
|
April 11, 2008
Single Parent Penalty
|
| I run into this every once in awhile, and it annoys me. I wanted to purchase a membership to the local art museum. If you are single, it is $50. If you are a couple (or a dual membership for two adults) it is $70. If you want a family membership, which allows two adults and their dependent children it is again $70. I studied this very carefully looking for a reasonable explanation why a couple can take their children to the art museum for a year at no extra charge, but that I as a single person have to bump up to a family membership at an extra $20 to take my kids. So I contacted the museum. They assured me that they weren't trying to penalize single parents, but that yes, I had understood the pricing correctly. They assured me that I could bring any adult I wanted with me when I came under the family plan, and that it didn't have to be a husband. Yeah, like there are 50 people lined up to go with two kids and me to the Art Museum. Were they out of their mind? Somehow I finally convinced her to let me have the family membership at the $50 rate. However, I wonder how many people would bother to go through the exchange I did. It's just not fair..............but then again, life usually isn't.
|
April 6, 2008
His Friends, Her Friends, but what about Our Friends After Divorce
|
It's very difficult when we get divorced. One of the saving graces can be our friends. That is all easy to figure out when you have your friends and your ex has their own. But what do you do when your friends are really "our friends"? I'm reminded of this because just today I had lunch with a friend that my ex and I made as a couple. That friend has taken vacations with my ex and my kids. I have gone to share summer cookout, sometimes with my ex there sometimes not. The only advice I can say, is it isn't your friend's fault that you are divorced. If you care about your friend at all, don't put them in a position that they have to choose. And also, don't put them in a situation where they have to feel uncomfortable. Don't ask them not to invite your ex. At the same time if you know that your ex is hell bent on going to a function, and you know it's going to be uncomfortable, bail out for awhile. Later when the wounds have begun to heal it will become apparent that you can all be in a room, or it will become apparent who really needs to step aside and have a background friendship. It's easy to get into the place of being so angry that you want to hurt your ex, even at your friend's expense. Please be adult enough to know when your emotions are too raw and it's possible to step aside at least temporarily. Friends are beautiful and we should treasure them, not drag them through our mud.
|
April 3, 2008
When your Marriage is in Trouble.......Speak Up!
|
| If you are in a marriage that you are starting to be emotionally checked out of, I have one piece of advice. SPEAK UP! Not too many of us humans are bright enough to read hints, clues, or energy waves. You may think he or she should get it, but if you haven't spelled it out in simplistic, straight forward talk, then you have no way of knowing. I have on multiple occasions had friends that have been sitting in marriages getting fed up. They are on the brink of walking out the door. They are beginning to draw up the mental escape route, but they have not actually told their spouse that they are knocking on the escape hatch. Obviously the two of you were in love at one point, so why wouldn't you lay all of the cards out on the table and see what happens. The trick is to do this before you reach the point of no return. Do it, when if your spouse actually hears you and takes action that you might actually be willing to stay. It seems like they at least deserve to see the writing on the wall, in plain old black and white, even if you have to hold their hand to explain it. Speak up........you have everything to gain!
|
March 28, 2008
Why do "Single Parents" Feel the Need to Entertain their Kids?
|
| My kids are out on Spring Break this week. Every morning my ex calls to find out what we are "doing fun" today. Finally this morning I asked, why do we have to be "doing something fun?" He was taken aback and had no significant response other than, sheesh, I was just asking. I watch the divorced parents go down some kind of road of competition. I don't know that they mean for it to be that. One takes them bowling. The next goes putt putt. One buys them a game boy, the next and ipod. One takes them to Disney World, the next takes them on a Cruise. Is it just a disease of our society as a whole? Do we not know how to just "be" with our kids. My kids seem to be enjoying the day today just doing their own version of "putzing". One is chilling listening to music. The other has her nose buried in a book. I'm thinking we might do some transplanting of some houseplants today, and maybe cook a meal together. Whatever it is, we're going to just let the winds of "being" take us wherever they do, and we're not going to "entertain" each other for one minute today. Just Be!
|
March 27, 2008
Heal from your Divorce with Laughter
|
| They say laughter is healing. So if that is so, why not try it when healing from your divorce. When is the last time you had a really good giggle? You know, the kind when you are laughing so hard you just can't stop. Even better, the kind when you've laughed so hard that you are now laughing because you are laughing. The kind when you wake up the next day and your rib cage reminds you of how hard you were laughing. I bet it's been awhile. Go out with some of your silliest friends. Rent a silly movie. I remember when I was going through my divorce I happened upon the movie, "What Women Want". I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face. It wasn't so much about laughing at men as much as it was about laughing at the whole relationship thing and how silly we all are. For some reason once I started laughing at the whole absurdity of men and women in general I was able to start seeing some light in my own situation. It was like there was a slight lifting of the fog and my emotions started seeing something besides gloom and doom. So even if you aren't ready to go out and giggle with your friends, rent some funny movies, go to a stand up comedy show. It's almost like you can "trick" your body into thinking everything is really going to be okay again!
|
March 23, 2008
Childless Easter?
|
| I've been asked the question all day today. Where are your kids? The same place they are every year on Easter. When we divorced, we decided that it is such great fun to have holiday traditions that we wanted our kids to experience those. Since my family was big on Thanksgiving and my ex's was big on Easter, we just wrote it right into the divorce decree that they would always spend Thanksgiving with me, and always Easter with him. Now every year until this one, I have had the kids at least in the evening after they get home. This year is different, and they will be spending a few extra days at Grandma's because of the way Spring Break worked. I've come to the conclusion it bothers everyone else way more than it bothers me. I've become used to having a quiet little Easter doing whateve it is I choose. This year I paid my bills, and did a little office work. I plan to spend the rest of the day sewing. I rather like my little Easter respit. It's a nice feeling to know that my kids are experiencing family traditions just as they would have were we still married. And I don't feel one bit sad that I'm enjoying my time home alone. Happy Easter!
|
March 22, 2008
Standing In My Own Skin!
|
| There is a beautiful thing to getting older. We have gained experience. Now the old DK wanted a relationship. There was some piece of me that thought I needed a "soul mate" or some such thing to make me feel whole. That is the DK that didn't listen to those little messages that were saying "may-day, may-day" this isn't a good quality in a partner. I would just ignore the signs, or worse yet, somehow justify them. I was somehow feeling that I wasn't worthy of love and so I'd better take the first boat that comes along or who knows how long it might be until there is another. We women are so guilty of IGNORING the signs. Men are pretty darn good at telling us who they are right from the beginning. So when those little messages go off, we should listen. Because if we don't, it is very quickly that we get all wrapped up in the rose-colored glasses and we are bliffully happy and in love. For awhile. Then eventually, those little things we dismissed are suddenly HUGE and are front and center. So for the past few weeks I've been out in the dating world again. I'm proud to say that in one instance, I began a telephone exploration with one gentleman. There were things that were knawing at me. I had even agreed to go out on a date. I soon realized that I was just not looking forward to it. The gentleman was nice and was ready to fall over me with attention, which of course I would like. But inside I just kept hearing something saying "may-day". So I finally decided that I might be worth listening to. I called him, and I cancelled the date and explained that I just didn't think we were going to be a good match. I felt a little guilty as I had hurt his feelings and dashed his hopes. Then......I danced around the living room because finally I listened to myself and really for once stood in my own skin! How guilty do I feel about that? Not one bit!
|
|
Archives
|
