DK- I have been divorced for two years now, and I've met someone new.  He's a great guy and I've introduced him to the kids.  I'm feeling comfortable enough to have him spend the night, but am wondering if that is okay to do with the kids around.  My kids are 5 and 7.  Should I let my boyfriend spend the night with my kids at home?  Perplexed grownup.

Perplexed- I think the fact that you are even asking the question tells me that in your heart of hearts you know it isn't the greatest idea.  You don't say this, but I am making the assumption that your kids are involved in some kind of shared custody arrangement.  That being the case, I ask you, is there some reason why you can't have your adult sleepovers when the kids aren't home?  I once had a boyfriend that shared an experience of how he had a strictly platonic friendship with a woman who had a little girl.  One night the three of them were watching movies, and the mother went to bed. That left the gentleman and the little girl to finish the movie.  The little girl said to him, "I like you because you don't sleep with my mom."  That was all it took for him to think twice about ever spending the night in front of any kids.  He always told me that as their mother, they want to respect you.  I always say when it comes from the mouth of babes we should listen.  Your kids understand more than you think they do, and they are exposed to plenty without us flaunting it in front of them.  I think in the long run you will all respect each other better if you keep the sleep overs out of sight from the kids.  Good Luck....dk

My 7 year-old daughter seems to have anxiety about living  with her dad. At
this time i have 70% custody, mostly because he  was busy doing his thing. However now
that he is married, he now  contends he wants to spend more time with his kids(also
have a 3 yr  old son) and is requesting shared physical custody. My daughter  gets very
upset when this is mentioned or if she has to spend more  than 2 days with him. I also
am having difficulty dealing with this  possibility. I am also engaged to someone who
both my kids love and  respect. There father has never done his share of what's needed
for  the kids, I have always dealt with finding the daycare provider,  looking for a
school/preschool.  MOM OF TWO

Hi MOM OF TWO:  Well I don't really see a question here, so I'll do my best to address what I think
the question is.  I would recommend you proceed with allowing your daughter to have more
time with her Dad  Obviously his life is changing and he may be growing emotionally, and may
be more able to participate than he was before.  I would encourage your daughter to have
a "trial run" for 6 months or something.  In that time you will be able to see if she
just has the normal resistence to change that we all have, or if indeed there is some
kind of big problem.  Take it as a gift and enjoy the free time with your new romantic
partner.  I really believe that if your ex is wanting to be more involved you should give
him the benefit of the doubt and consider yourself fortunate that he is growing.  dk

Dear DK,

I'm just wondering how to fight this.  The ex won't let him see  his kids now that
we are married.  She is making excuses up that  they don't want to see him and that
they fill displaced.  The time  I got to spend with their kids there was absolutely no
evidence.   He hasn't had visitation since June.  He is a firefighter and  doesn't have
the money to pay an attorney right now to fight her.   I think her whole basis is that
the kids like me and she is worried  that they will like me more than her.He is very
hurt by this and I  know the kids are too.  I feel like I am in the middle of this and 
she is trying her best to wreck our marriage.  She is the one who  filed for divorce
not my husband.  Frustrated new wife.

Dear Frustrated Wife,

You did not say how old these kids are, but I assume they are young and not voicing
these concerns on their own.  These things need to be nipped in the bud, and you all
allowing this to go on for 9 months without taking action probably isn't good.  However,
what is done is done.  I presume that their divorce decree has some sort of set
visitation rights, and if so, she is likely in violation of that.  This is what I would
recommend.  I would contact an attorney that specializes in custody.  Most will give you
a free consultation visit.  I would see what they recommend.  I also would contact your
local social services- that should be free- and see what avenues they might offer. 
Lastly, I would really think about what you are saying about the money.  If your furnace
were suddenly to go out and you had to freeze every night, you would figure out the money
somehow and pay for it.  If he cares for his kids at all, he should treat it at least as
importantly as his furnace.  I would not think he's in for a long expensive battle if he
is just trying to enforce what is already documented, but again I would do at least a
free consultation- maybe a couple of them.  One more thing, try to understand that his ex
is somehow feeling threatened that another woman is going to be influencing her children.
 She is just very scared and trying desparately to gain control.  It is a hard place to
be imagining that your kids might like another mom better.  Hope that helps.............dk

Dear DK,

My boyfriend has a three year old who suddenly refuses to come visit ot stay over with us. He always loved coming over in the past. All of a sudden three weeks ago he didn't want to and has cried and fought spending time with his Dad ever since. We can't figure out any explanation for it.How do you handle that situation with a child that young? He has not forced him to come if he didn't want to, but we can't figure out what has happened or the best way to handle.  Frustrated girlfriend

Dear FG,

Does your boyfriend have a good relationship with the mother?  If so, I think that he and
the mother need to work together to make this happen.  Maybe the three of them could go
to dinner or something, and then when the boy sees Mom saying it's okay to go with dad he
will go after he's a little more warmed up.  3 year olds do go through some separation
anxiety, so it could just be that.  Imagine being 3 and without your mom for a few days. 
It would be tough.  If at all possible they need to work as a team on this one!  dk

Dear DK,

My brother is moving to Nashville without his 9 year old  son, what can he do
to make his son feel like a part of this  exciting time for his dad?  I have suggested
he give his son some  pre stamped envelopes and paper for letters and i have suggested 
everyday phone calls or e-mails. But there seems to be more ha  could do to soften the
blow a little, of corse he will be sad but I  think with the right tools in place it
can be easier.  do  you have  any suggestions?

Dear Moving,

He might consider a web-cam for phone calls.  I know several split up families that use
that.  I know a woman who wrote a book that is geared more towards families dealing with
people leaving on deployment in the military, but it might have some great ideas for you
guys.  It's called I'm Already Home by Elaine Dumler.  (Click Here) I believe she has two books out
now.  Hope that helps a little.....Best Wishes! --dk

Dear DK,

How can I make the days my children leave or come back from a couple days with their father easier on them and me it always seems emotionally draining for all of us?

Dear Emotionally Drained,

I do not know what kind of situation your kids are transitioning between.  However, there are some things that can make transition days go a little bit better.  The easiest thing you can do is to establish a routine when they return.  If you have an activity that you all especially like to do, be it go out for pizza, play a board game, play hide and seek, make pancakes, play music and dance, or whatever, do it without fail when they return.  It can really help the kids if they have a "transition activity" that they look forward to, and know will happen each time they return to your house.  Another thing that is really important is not to be too dramatic about them leaving or coming home. If you are acting like you are miserable without them or your life is empty when they are away, they will feel guilty about going, and it can be quite emotional.  It is okay to tell them you love them and will miss them, but leave it without the drama.  The best thing you can do for them is be supportive and act like you are completely okay about them leaving, even if it is tearing you up inside.  It does get easier for everyone if you become supportive and throw in some great routines.  Best of Luck! -dk

Dear DK,

I have been raising my grandson for 5 yrs. It is a hard position at my age, the mother takes me to mediation when I don't see eye to eye with her thinking process, I am here to protect him and make sure I speak out for the best interest of his life. I am done with Mediation.  Isn't there something I can do to make sure a judge makes final choices when it comes to the mother wanting him. He was taken away because of her and my son parenting and other issue. I don't want to raise him for the rest of his life, I want him to go back to his mom and dad, but neither see my point of view when it comes to how they are with one another. I am tired but will speak for him he is a little guy. I want to make sure when he does go home that they had done all the programs to assure me, themselves and the courts they are ready to take this childs life more serious they they can theirs...I am so lost, because I know they can do it, however they are not willing to put the work and effort into making this happen..so it's back to mediation. 

Dear Frustrated Grandparent,

Obviously being a grandparent can be quite frustrating in these split-family scenarios.  Without knowing the full details of the situation it is hard to completely understand what might be going on.  You say that you don't want to raise him, so that would leave out the option of fighting for guardianship.  If you are not willing to be a guardian, then you will have to sit back and let them raise their son as they see fit.  With that said, I can only suggest that you let the parents and the courts work out the situation however it must be.  What you can do though, is offer your grandson a steady respit when he is away from his parents.  You can be the shelter in the storm.  You can listen to him and be ready with loving open arms.  Kids recognize where they are getting steady loving attention.  It won't be long and he will realize who is playing him as a pawn and who is just providing him a loving environment.  When that time comes you will likely have more influence than you might imagine.--dk

Dear DK,

I've been divorced for over two years now.  I have started dating someone new and I don't really know how to approach the kids about it.  They've met him, but they think he is just a "friend".  What should I do?

Frustrated in Florida

Dear Frustrated,

It's hard for kids to understand that Moms and Dads have emotional needs that need to be fulfilled too.  Since your kids have already met the new person, I would say that honesty is the best policy.  If you are open to sitting down and discussing it with them I'd let them know that Mom really likes this friend and that you plan on seeing more of him on a more routine basis.  Let the kids guide the conversation.  If they ask if he's your boyfriend, tell them that you're not sure but you'd be open to that being a possibility.  Ask them how they feel and why.  I know that I recently went through a breakup and my kids made it very clear they didn't like that.  When I got down to the bottom of why they didn't want the breakup it was because they were afraid that my dating someone new might take up even more of my time with them.  That could be the same for you.  Their reaction will most likely come from their own insecurities of how your dating will affect them.  If you can assure them that things won't change about how you feel toward them, and stick to your word, all should be well. --dk